Strip
by KinkerBelle
Summary: What is it about Mal and his penchant for crazy jobs that tends to get certain crew members into odd situations? A series of one shots that make a whole story. RiverJayne.
1. Shorts

Mal had admittedly had some gorram feng le plans before, but this… this was just crossing into badness. For once in Jayne's life, he actually agreed with the doctor completely. Prettifying the crazy girl to lure their buyers into a job was just 'bout the most ridiculous concept the merc had ever heard of. Weren't nobody gonna up and decide to do crime with them because the crazy girl was dancin' around. No matter _what_ crazy ass rumors were floatin' round 'bout them bein' uncommonly susceptible to womenfolk.

But Mal, Zoë and for some unknown reason, Inara; thought it was a good idea. Now, why they didn't just stuff Inara in some skimpy outfit and parade _her_ around, Jayne couldn't figure. She was a whole lot sexier than the doc's sister. And further more, why was he here, shopping? He'd see the damn costume they picked out on the job anyway, why did he have to be here for the actual choosing?

He complained aloud as they walked into the private dressing room Inara had arranged. "Don't see why I'm needed, Mal."

His captain tossed him an infuriatingly knowing smirk. "Oh, I got my reasons for you tagging along."

Jayne gave him a look. "Oh, and what would they be?"

Mal chuckled. Smug sonofabitch. "You just be yourself, Jayne-y boy. That's all I ask."

Jayne sneered at him. "Well since'n you asked so nicely." The merc flopped back in on of the three the chairs outside the dressing stall. The room was surprisingly nice, with three big mirrors attached to a pedestal and real comfy white arm chairs. A minute later, Inara and River came into view, both of them carrying a ridiculous amount of garments to try on. Jayne observed the smaller girl in her ratty white t shirt and long black skirt, and deemed it a hopeless cause for the fifth time since hearing the plan. "Why for you got so many, all you need is one or two outfits." Jayne grumped. The more clothes the girl had to try on, the longer they'd be here. Inara raised a perfect eyebrow at him.

"We've collected this many because we need to find the best option, in order to do that, we need to mix and match." She said dismissively.

Jayne growled low in his chest. Gorramit, he couldn't think of a less appealing option while planet side. Didn't nobody else realize this was a pointless endeavor? Aint no way they was gonna magically sexify that stick figure girl enough so that she could impersonate a stripper. Moon brain and Inara disappeared into a stall to try anyway.

Just then, Simon came scrambling into the room with two armfuls of long dresses. The doc and Kaylee actually wanted to be here, but Kaylee had had to go get engine parts. "Mei-mei!" he said a little desperately. Inara poked her head out to ascertain what Simon wanted.

"She's a little busy, right now Simon. What is it?"

He held up a sample of his clothes. Jayne rolled his eyes. What a piece of luh-sa. The dress was huge. And almost the exact color of protein mash. His sis popped her head out under Inara's. Her face scrunched up in disgust. Jayne laughed aloud. Simon shot a quick glare at him. "What's wrong with it, Mei-mei?"

River's mouth opened and closed as she searched for words, for once in her entire life speechless. "Hell, doc, what aint wrong with that dress?" Mal said, lookin' just about to wet hisself from holding in laughter.

"It's a perfectly acceptable dress" Simon said indignantly.

"If'n blind nuns are dressin' ya. Yeah, sure." Jayne said, not bothering to hold in his laughter. To his surprise, the doc's sister joined in his raucous laughter.

"Jayne is correct; dress does not meet proper credentials."

"But--"

"At all. And never will, Simon. She is supposed to be an exotic dancer. Less is more." With that, the two disappeared again and Simon dejectedly put his pile of clothing aside and took the third seat available.

There was much sounding of clothes rustling and giggles heard from River and laughs from Inara before the two emerged. Well, Inara emerged, River was dragged. Jayne quirked an eyebrow. The girl was decked out in a green silk, oriental dress. It fell to her knees. It was nice, sure, but for a stripper? Not a gorram chance. Jayne wrinkled his nose and glanced at Mal who looked back at him with the same expression. In almost scary unison they said "Next."

The two went back into the stall and the next seven or eight attempts were similar. Mal rolled his eyes at the companion. She was testin' his patience. "'Nara, have you ever _seen_ a stripper?"

She looked taken aback. "Not in person, no." Mal sighed and Jayne shifted, quite bored, in his chair.

Simon, of course, threw in his two platinum. "I think those dresses are nice. Maybe when your older, Mei-mei."

River surprised Jayne again by turned to her brother with a scowl. "I'm 18, Simon. Butt out." Jayne let out a startled burst of laughter and did something he never thought he'd do. He shared a small smile with River.

"Jayne, help me break this down." Jayne (broken from his tiny moment in time with River) looked quickly at the captain.

"Whudda'ya mean?"

"I mean, what do you think we oughta try? These dresses are getting' us nowhere." The merc nodded. He turned his attention to River, looking her up and down carefully.

All he saw was a big ol' pile of crazy. But, he reasoned, nobody they were going to do business with knew that. They'd just see her. Hmmmm.

Jayne looked carefully, imagining he'd just met her, didn't know she was a loon. Saw past all that for a moment. And suddenly, there was a girl standing in front of him. Pretty one too. He started at the top of her head, nice hair-ish, if they could ever get the tangles out. Once Jayne took the time to see it, she had a pretty face too, sweet brown eyes. Not much chest to speak of but enough to work with, to get his hands around and start to play. A shiver went down his spine when he thought of that. He continued down her body. Stomach was most likely smooth and toned, all that dancin' and fightin' and the like. Legs were probly their best bet, legs and ass. But he didn't know if she had a good ass yet, those huge dresses never told him anything. Not that he'd ever really bothered to look. "Legs." He said out loud. "Let's start with legs."

Simon looked repulsed. "You disgusting pi-" Simon started in but was cut off.

"My thoughts as well." Mal said, and Jayne didn't know why but that one sentence got him a bit angry. "Little witch, go seek you out some shorts, tiny and preferably leather." Jayne perked up a bit; maybe this wouldn't be so bad after all.

River left in search of shorts and Mal sent Simon and Inara to put back their failed attempts. They'd both picked out so many that having them locate the places they'd come from and putting them back would take quite a while.

River returned quickly with several pairs of shorts, all of them leather. "Blue, black or red?" She asked the two men.

Mal considered for a moment. Jayne said "Red." in a heartbeat. River gave him a small smile and before he had a handle on himself, Jayne winked at her. Her smile broadened and she trotted happily into the stall.

Jayne reeled himself back sharply. This was just a big game of pretend, right? She was nuts! No way did he find her attractive. No way on all the planets in the verse.

Jayne immediately knew he was lying to himself when she came out in those shorts. If they could be called that. They rode low and cut high, and Jayne was seriously ruttin' thankful. Legs? That was a big ruttin' check mark! Wo de ma, did the girl have some stems on her. And the dark red _really_ went well with her pale skin and dark hair. It didn't even matter that she was wearing that ratty white t shirt with 'em. The big merc literally felt himself being to salivate.

Out of the corner of his eye he registered Mal motioning her to turn about. But nothing could have prepared him for the sight that greeted him. Ai ya! Her ass cheeks were hangin' out the back of those gorram shorts! His ma would say they was undoubtedly the devil's shorts. And just at that moment he felt sure he would go to that special hell the Shepard always talked about. He suppressed a groan and turned to Mal. "I think those are our best bet."

Mal nodded with a troubled look on his face. He didn't like seeing River in those things. But it was for a job so he pushed down his fatherly concern and nodded. "Yup, they do seem that way. Good work, little albatross."

"Thank you captain daddy."

The captain nodded and turned to Jayne. "And for a top?"

Jayne tried his best to tear his eyes away from River legs but was just not succeeding. He faked like he was considering real hard. "Uh, not… not… a whole lot to… uh, what was the question?" He asked nervously.

"What should she wear on top?"

Nothing? Nothing would work just fine for Jayne. **SHUT UP BRAIN**. "Uh, just something sparkly and… tiny."

Mal shrugged. "I'll go find it. Don't need you walkin' about in those shorts and causin' them nice sales clerks to foam at the mouth."

River laughed softly, Jayne mentally kicked himself for thinkin' it was hott. "Her attire would not induce symptoms of rabies."

Mal smiled to himself. "You'd be surprised. Be back in bit." He shut the door to the room leaving Jayne all alone with River.

She spun about in front of the mirrors, skipping up onto the pedestal and examining herself. Jayne grinned wolfishly as she turned this way and that. All her shimmying around was givin' him a tasty view. Like his own private show. "What does Jayne think?" She asked, looking at him with a smile. He gave her a look.

"You're the gorram mind reader, little one. Why don't you tell me?"

Her eyes widened. "She wouldn't. Please believe her." Heaven help him she was walkin' over to him. All serious like. "Before, she had no control. Couldn't make out whose thoughts were whose and she just said anything that was in her head. She is much better now. She wouldn't peek inside, not without your express permission."

Jayne nervously rubbed the back of his neck. He hadn't meant to hurt her feelings. "I meant it jokin' like, girl. I know… that you wouldn't… not without captains orders or permission."

Her face went from sad to happy in record speed and Jayne felt inexplicably proud. "She is pleased you know her well enough to know that." He nodded and tried to remember to breathe proper when she took a seat on the arm of the chair he was sitting in. And his eyes almost crossed when she crossed her legs. Truthfully, the merc was grateful his jaw clenched instead of dropping to the floor. "Thank you for coming."

Jayne blinked hard. He didn't really think she meant it as dirty as he'd heard it. "No sweat." She looked at him seriously and he couldn't help paying attention.

"No really, she knows you would have rather spent your time somewhere else. But you really helped captain daddy, far more than Inara and Simon."

He shrugged. "Guess that's why he wanted me along." And once he said it, he knew that's why Mal'd brought him along. He needed somebody who would actually know what a stripper would wear and what would be hott. River suddenly looked a tiny bit sad.

"She fears all your efforts will have been made for nothing."

Jayne frowned. "Huh?"

"She doesn't know if she can do it."

"What?" he questioned, feeling like a tool for not understanding her. She wasn't even speakin' in crazy riddles.

"She doesn't really feel like part of the crew yet. She has done a couple jobs but nothing this big. Everyone has their place already. Captain daddy leads, Zoe picks up the slack and watches his back, Jayne keeps everyone alive. What can she really offer?"

Jayne frowned, he weren't normally one to go an' comfort crazy girls. But she was makin' some sense, and talkin' normal. And truth be told those damn shorts were makin' him feel some powerful strange emotions. "Girl… uh, River. Look alright, we're a good team; Me, Mal and Zoe. But way I figure, your just 'bout the only thing'll make us great. Knowing what'll happen, that's the best advantage you can get in the line of work we got. And that's what you can give us."

"She still doesn't know if it will work. The job. The girl can dance, but perhaps not this kind of dancing. She's never tried it."

"Yeah well, practice makes perfect." He said with a lecherous grin. She matched his grin to his surprise. She kept doing that today.

"And would you help me? Practice, that is."

"I might be persuaded."

"And how might I persuade you?" She said, and he knew that now she'd meant it to be dirty. Was it just him or were they… flirting? As cap'n would say: _huh_.

"Only three things ever known to persuade Jayne Cobb."

"Money, food and sex."

He smirked. Damn straight. "Far as I know you aint got a lot of money that'd be worth takin'."

"Then I just have to give you… what I have."

"Which is?" River's eyes got real dark and Jayne could feel himself being drawn closer to her, like she was north and he was south. Damn near magnetic. They was about an inch apart when Mal opened the door and Jayne was so startled he sprung backwards and nearly tipped the chair. Thank Buddha Mal didn't see on account of he was too busy untangling whatever contraption he'd brought for River to try on. And thanks again that he didn't see River smile at him real slow and smooth and then wink before getting up. As far as Mal was concerned River had been standing up the whole time.

Giving up entirely, Mal thrust the group of hangers into River's hands and flopped down in the chair next to Jayne. River giggled quietly and Jayne felt himself harden at the sound. He was so incredibly humped. She had him… so bad. It'd been a long time since he'd wanted someone so suddenly and it was kind of damaging his calm.

Simon and Inara finally made their re-entrance a minute later. There was only one seat left and Simon graciously offered it to Inara. Big mistake. At least if he'd been sitting he wouldn't have fallen over in shock when River came out of the room. Jayne would have laughed at him but he was too stunned to do a lot more than drool. Which he really hoped he wasn't doing.

The gorram top was scarcely more than too bits of leather. Black leather. There wasn't even a tie around back. It was two barely connected triangles of fabric with a tiny strap that went around her neck. Her tits were pushed forward somehow and Jayne felt that last bit of doubt in him snap. He had only thought about it so far, but now he knew. He absolutely knew with every fiber of his being that he would have her. All that pale flesh and dark hair and them eyes was just callin' to him.

Mal rested his face in his hand. "Somehow I knew you'd go for that one first." He said, voice muffled by his palm.

River laughed. "Hoped she wouldn't."

Mal glared at her, but not meanly. "Yeah, but knew you would."

Simon looked him, horror stricken. "YOU picked that? You sick hun dan."

Mal rolled his eyes. "Don't tell me you never sever seen a stripper neither."

"Certainly not!" Everyone turned to look at him. Even Jayne, whose eyes were glued to River, spared ten second to shoot him a 'Yeah? Well you're a pussy' look.

"Doc, it don't really much matter how sad and pathetic your existence is." Inara scoffed at Mal's statement but said nothing else. "All that matters is we have your sister's costume and that it seems authentic."

"She is **NOT** wearing that! I **REFUSE** to let **MY** little sister be **DEBASED** in public!" River snorted at this and all the attention went to her. Not that Jayne's had ever really left.

"Simon, stop talking in capitals and butt out. I'm almost nineteen and I'm on his crew just like you are, I have my own life!" She stormed back into the stall and violently slammed the door. There was stunned silence.

Ta ma de, she was beautiful all fired up.

"She said 'I', I never heard her say that." Inara murmured thoughtfully.

Jayne chuckled. "Well whuddaya know Doc? Secret to making her better was pissin' her off. Kinda simple."

Simon sneered at him in pure malice. "Well then she should spend more time around you, does the trick for me."

Jayne grinned. "She wears that gittup and she can spend as much time around me as she wants." He said, waggling his eyebrows to piss off the doctor further.

"Jayne." Mal said warningly.

"Done told me to be myself, Cap'n." He mumbled, leaning back in the chair, arms behind his head. After a beat he said "Can I go shopping with River more?"

"Jayne!" Mal nearly shouted, desperately trying to preserve the semblance of peace. Simon was practically frothing.

"Feel free." River said as she emerged from the stall once again dressed in a huge shapeless ensemble that Simon had picked out years ago. The big merc felt like pouting and wasn't entirely sure that he wasn't. "Inara, do we still have time to get my hair cut?"

The companion nodded. "Sure, Mei-mei." River handed her clothes off to Mal and borrowed a pen from Inara to write on his hand the exact coordinates in the store where he could find the other pieces of her costume.

"You couldn't have just done this in the first place?" he asked.

"Too many foreseeable options. Now we've agreed on a basis, she knows what else you will pick."

Mal just let it go and motioned for her and Inara to get going, completely silent and utterly tired. River and Inara moved towards the door. River had a hand on the handle and had started to turn it before she turned around and looked at Jayne. "Are you coming?"

Jayne smiled at her.

"If you insist."

"I do."


	2. Game

That night Jayne sat at the table in the mess, a fresh (and massive, honest to god, thing musta been two gallons!) bottle of Kaylee's engine brew in front of him. Stuff coulda been battery acid for how it felt going down. And Jayne was lookin' forward to chasin' away them thoughts about River he'd been so intent on earlier.

He knew he wanted her, duh, what red blooded male wouldn't? But he'd seen her get that damn hair cut and watched her face light up at the end result. And he got real uncomfortable all've a sudden. She was being normal, a person. And a bit of trim was one thing, feelin'… feelin's towards that girl was right outta the gorram question. But…. try as he might, once he'd seen her as a real person, he couldn't go back to seein' her all crazy-like. It was hard 'nough with her still lookin' like she did when she came on the ship, long hair, and burlap sack of a dress. Now, with that gorram new hair cut and Kaylee's surprise gift of new clothing he had yet to see, he was lookin' at her in this whole new… and kinda creepyfying (to him) way. So he was gettin' ready to blur his vision and hope that helped.

Though, it was gonna take a whole lot to get the vision of his cowgirl outta his head. COWGIRL? _Stop, just stop!_ He begged himself.

Jayne reached for the bottle irritably. He felt like a ruttin' idiot, really he didn't even like her! He hated her! He tried to sell her back to the Feds! Well, a little voice piped up, you would never do that now. Bee jway! He told his brain, she's still … kinda feng le. But she was talking all normal-like in the store… was pretty hott. Jayne slammed his eyes shut and forced himself to calm down, he was gonna drive himself loopier than Cowgirl at this rate. He groaned and resolved to open the bottle immediately. Before he could even move to crack the lid; Mal, Zoe and Wash strolled in.

"You gonna pop that open?" Mal questioned.

"Yup, you wanna piece of the action?" Normally Jayne Cobb did not even think about sharing alcohol, especially with untouchable cowgirls in leather shimmying around inside his head, but seriously, the gorram bottle was **huge**.

Mal nodded and went to get some glasses. "Zoe? Wash? You feelin' like a drink?" Zoe shrugged in indecision, then looked to Wash for an answer.

"What do you think, husband?"

He frowned a little bit in thought. "Drinking just for the sake of drinking? What's the point?"

Jayne looked at him like he was pretty much the dumbest person ever to be born. "To get drunk. Duh?" He said.

Wash rolled his eyes. "Not always appealing, you know, to those of us with higher brain functions."

Jayne chuckled fakely. "Cap'n, the little man's talkin' 'bout being higher, we should tell him why that's ridiculous-like."

"Girls, girls! Ya're both pretty in the red dress!" Mal said mockingly, but added in a warning tone, simultaneously turning around with glasses in hand. "And I thought I done had a talk with you two about compromisation."

Wash's face lit up. "How about a game? A drinking game!"

Mal grinned. "Not that's my kind of compromise! The kind that requires shot glasses!" He quickly turned back around to find some. "How many? Four?"

"Yup." Zoe and Wash answered in unison.

Jayne had a brief moment to wonder how easy it was gonna be to stop thinkin' on his cowgirl when there were other people around. Two seconds later said cowgirl came stumbling into the mess. Shun-sheng duh gao-wahn! What was that contraption on her legs? Looked an awful lot like a skirt but it was so short! And red! Why did she have to look so good in red? He was beginnin' to think she was wrong, SHE looked better in red. And when did she get the right to wear t-shirts the fit her right? He was always a sucker for a woman in black, it was like Kaylee knew. Good gorramitt, Kaylee, the engine brew better be ruttin' GOOD. He was SO humped. Ai ya, what was he gonna do with himself around all that tousled curly hair? It only hit just past her shoulders now and suddenly his fingers were itching to curl up in it.

Then he noticed she didn't look like she was feelin' too swell. Her eyes were screwed shut and an expression of horror on her face. "River, sweetie? Are you alright?" Zoe questioned cautiously, her eyes darting to Mal, who seemed to not really have noticed.

"No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No." She answered in a pained voice. Jayne watched his cowgirl carefully. If she was havin' one of them episodes, maybe he could see her as crazy again and his problems would be solved.

"What's wrong, honey?" Zoe asked, leaving Wash's side to put an arm around the girl.

River shuddered. "Simon and Kaylee…"

Mal had since abandoned his search for shot glasses and turned to face her. "They in trouble, little witch?" She finally opened her eyes to look at the group in front of her.

"No… they're not. They're… I don't really want to talk about it."

The rest of the group looked confused. A thought occurred to the merc and he threw his head back in laughter. "Saw 'em at it, didn'tcha?" River made a face of disgust and nodded.

"First time?"

River shook her head. "Once before. But not… on top of the engine… with sound effects."

"Better make that five shot glasses Cap'n." Wash said, looking at River with intense sympathy. Mal didn't rush in getting the glasses.

Instead he looked at Wash. "You don't think she's a bit young?"

"When did you start drinking?"

Mal avoided the question by replying, "Fair point. Still, if'n Doc finds out…"

"Docs the cause of it, he doesn't really have any jurisdiction, now does he?" Zoe said. Mal was still a tad reluctant. Jayne didn't know why, but he felt compelled to stick up for, maybe make her feel included like she was talkin' 'bout earlier in the shop. And even though he knew how hard it would be to forget about her with her right there, with her hair all tousled up and smellin' nice, he spoke up anyway.

"Cap, you ever catch a sibling going at it?"

Mal got a look of far away misery in his eyes. "So, you wanna join us, River?" She smiled at him brightly.

"Thank you, Captain, I would like that." Mal nodded and fished out a fifth shot glass. The four not already sitting took their seats at the table. Jayne suppressed a grin when River sat next to him. Zoe, Wash and Mal sat on the other side of the table.

"So, what game we gonna play?" Jayne asked the group as he popped the cork outta the bottle.

"Game?" River asked.

"Yeah, drinkin' game. Wash here's too classy to just get drunk for the sake of it." Jayne said. Wash took it as a compliment and mockingly preened himself. Zoe chuckled.

"Beer Bomb?" Wash offered.

"We don't got no ping pong balls." Mal said, a bit sadly.

"Century Club?" Zoe suggested.

"No stop watch." Jayne pointed out.

"Russian Feel Good?" Mal said.

"That's a **game** **_too_**?" Jayne said, wide eyed.

Mal laughed loudly. "I conjure you're think' of Russian Feel _Down_."

Zoe and Wash snorted in unison. "Imagine, though…" Wash said, a bit dreasmily.

"Everyone know 'Never Have I Ever'?" The four oldest there nodded.

"How do you play?" River asked.

Jayne took it upon himself to explain, cuz it made him feel all manly to be able to explain something to the girl genius. "We all take turns, you see. One person says somethin' they aint never done, and anybody who has takes a shot. Ya loose if'n ya pass out and the last person conscious wins. So, the strategy is to say stuff you know other people have done." River nodded.

Mal poured the shots and the game began. Wash started. "Never have I ever… dyed my hair."

Mal shrugged and took a shot. He almost spit it back out but forced himself to swallow. "Ruttin' hell, that's some strong stuff!"

Jayne looked at him oddly. "Mal, when the hell'd you dye your hair?" he asked.

"Had to for this one job. Was a platinum blonde for months after that." River giggled. Mal filled up his glass again and looked to Zoe. She thought about it for a second before speaking up.

"Never have I ever gotten married by accident."

Mal threw her a look. "Hey now, the object is to get out as many people as possible. Not just me."

Zoe smirked. "You know perfectly well it's best to take out one drinker at a time." Mal rolled his eyes and took another shot, then filled his glass up again. The captain considered for a moment.

"Never have I ever kissed Zoe."

Wash and Jayne took a shot. Mal looked appalled. "Wait, wait, wait! When did YOU kiss my first mate?" Jayne was midly recovering from that toxin Kaylee called alcohol.

"When I first got here. Punched me gorram hard, she did."

Wash laughed. "I remember that." Jayne filled his and Wash's glasses back up.

"Never have I ever…" Jayne started, thinking a bit. "hugged Mal."

"Damn straight you haven't." Mal responded.

"Has anyone?" Zoe questioned.

"Hey!"

"Anyone here." She corrected herself.

River shrugged. "Once or twice."

"It counts." Wash said. She looked nervously at the glass in front of her but steeled herself and took a shot. She started coughing and spluttering immediately. Jayne laughed good naturedly and patted her back gently.

"First drink?" he asked.

River nodded, face still scrunched up. "Ching-wah tsao duh liou mahng! That's repugnant!" Jayne thought her cussin' was real cute but mentally told himself to shut up.

"Your turn, little witch." Mal said, laughing a bit.

She nodded and her face smoothed out as she thought. "Never have I ever worn leather." Everyone else at the table took a shot. Though Zoe shot a confused look at her husband.

He grinned. "You remember that time on Paquin, it was **your** leather." Zoe frowned then suddenly burst out laughing.

"Ah. THAT time on Paquin."

The game continued on like that for a while. The questions sort of mundane, with Wash and Zoe targeting Mal and Mal targeting them right back. A half hour later Mal was trashed beyond even his normal amount but still conscious. Zoe was firmly buzzed and Wash was almost out of the game. Jayne could hold his liquor quite well and didn't even feel that drunk, but it was worth it to see the captain and pilot so out of it. That was some gorram funny stuff. River had had maybe three drinks total because all the stuff being tossed around didn't really apply to her, she was pretty innocent as far as everything went. The merc concluded the goofy smile on her face and consistent giggling was mostly because she felt like she really was crew, like she really belonged. Then something came out of Zoe's mouth he'd never expected.

"Never have I ever masturbated." Everybody but her took a shot. Including River.

Jayne looked at her wide eyed. "Really?" he asked.

She grinned at him in a borderline sexy way that made Jayne almost drool. "You don't believe it?" Suddenly he did. And a slow grin spread across his face.

"Oh, I believe it." He could have sworn she blushed a bit.

And that's when Mal passed out. He just fell right over. Knocked clean out on the floor of the mess. Four seconds later Wash suddenly turned his head and threw up all over him. Mal twitched and rubbed his face, smearing vomit all over his cheek, then passed out again.

Jayne completely lost it. He laughed so hard he actually cried and his stomach ached. River desperately tried not to pee in her pants she was laughing so hard. Zoe looked as though she wasn't aware she was laughing. She was just so stunned that that had actually happened. "I think… that maybe… it's time to take my husband to our room." She said through bouts of incredibly un-Zoe like giggles.

"You just gonna leave our beloved captain all passed out and puked on?" Jayne said, still laughing uncontrollably.

Zoe shrugged. "I don't really know what to do."

Jayne adopted a look of mock seriousness. "Well, whatever you do… not it!" He said quickly, jumping up and grabbing two shot glasses and the alcohol before running out of the mess and all the way up to the bridge. He was followed by a giggling River. Their shouts of laughter echoed all through the ship. They reached the cockpit and she plopped down into the pilot's chair and he in the co-pilot's.

"That wasn't very nice." She said, still smiling.

He smirked. "I'm not exactly known for bein' a nice man, moony." He said, but it felt like an endearment passed his lips instead of a slight. She smiled at him again, and he was havin' a mite of trouble thinkin' when she was bein' all pretty and smiley at him. "Should… we… um, should we finish?"

Her smile changed then, from happy to sultry. "Should we finish… what?" Why'd she have to go and find a way to say 'what' all sensual and dirty like? That weren't right. Or fair.

"The game?" he asked, not even really sure what the alternative was. River smiled at him, but there was something different about it. A flicker in her eyes that he only barely caught, somethin' like… what, disappointment?

And he was all too confident suddenly, he knew exactly what she wanted. Real question was, could he give it to her? Well, he smirked internally, he knew ruttin' well he could give it to her. And good, so good she'd be coming back for more. But could he give it to her without gettin' caught, and was it worth the risk? Those gorram shorts popped back into his head and he knew, just knew that it well worth the risk.

"But then again, now that I think on it, yer pretty tired of games, aint'cha Cowgirl? Least ones don't include you much?" River bit her lip and giggled, gorram but it was cute.

"Cowgirl?"

"Ruttin' shorts of yours, little one. Bound to make an impact on any man that encounters 'em." That drew a laugh form her and he grinned.

Now he knew that he grinned a lot, but if he was tellin' the truth, what he automatically did was the watered down version of his full out grin. Because the Cobb man grin was not something he threw out all willy nilly. It was a very powerful move. It's how his Pa snagged his Ma. It was a sure fire way to melt the socks off any girl. Sure enough, her eyes widened and her mouth dropped open a fraction, her cheeks colored pink instead of creamy white. "I am tired of games, Jayne. Your deduction was accurate. How will we fix this problem?"

Jayne took about four seconds to note that she'd said "I" before he took her hand and hauled her into his lap, so she was on her knees, straddling him. And they was right at eye level. "We stop playin' around, Cowgirl."

Her eyes darkened almost instantly and she pressed her mouth to his boldly. The girl was just full of surprises because, for a reason unbeknownst to Jayne, he kissed her back. Good and proper like he was the kind of man who **did** kiss on the mouth. A series of hot wet kisses left Jayne's head spinning and he didn't even realizes at first that he'd slipped his tongue out to play along the seal of her lips, coaxing them open with a small gasp of pleasure from River.

From that moment on it was as if he was hyper-aware of her. He noticed that she tasted mildly of alcohol and mostly like crème, delicious and rich, better than any he'd ever had. The sensation was amazing. Like an ice planet licking you back. Jayne was ruttin' thankful he was sittin' down cuz he knew full well his knees were shakin'. He didn't feel like too much of a sissy about it, River was a hair's breath away from falling apart.

Her hands were everywhere and she kept makin' these tiny, helpless little sounds and squirming about in his lap. Jayne felt like he'd died and gone to heaven. He joyfully slid a hand up her thigh to stroke just under her skirt. She moaned and it was like the sound went straight to his cock. He broke the kiss and growled against her mouth. Using his grip on her thigh he roughly tugged her right up onto his groin and ground her down onto his hardness. The sensation threw her head back in pleasure.

"Feel that Cowgirl?" She nodded, panting heavily. "This what you want?" She looked him right in the eye, her own brown orbs looking like they were filled with brown fire.

"Yes. Yes, but not now."

It felt like something inside Jayne's chest plummeted down to his feet. He felt pretty much like an asshole. She was clearly a virgin, so why did he let his cock tell him what to do and practically attack her. "Cowgirl, I'm so sor---" Her fingers on his lips cut him off.

"Not now, because Zoe and Wash will be here very soon. If that were not the case, believe me, I wouldn't stop you."

He chuckled and licked gently at her fingers still resting on his lips. "You willin' to do this again, River?" He felt her shiver against him in reaction the way he nipped her finger when he pronounced the last R of her name.

She leaned to whisper in his ear. Her voice was so breathy and sexy that he felt himself harden further. "Name the time and place, my Jayne." She bit his ear lobe when she said the N in his name. His hips twitched involuntarily under her and she whimpered a bit. He gripped her hips tightly and tried to slow his own breathing.

"Are you two MAKING OUT?" Jayne heard Wash exclaim, rather loudly.

The couple in the chair whipped about to face him. He was propped up next to Zoe who was looking quite shocked.

"Ew." He said, "I hope that's just me being drunk haluncinating."

Zoe nodded. "Yes husband, must be." Wash stumbled down the ladder and Zoe followed.

Jayne turned to glance at River. She frowned in thought, then smiled. "Neither will remember that they saw us tomorrow." Jayne heaved a sigh of relief and his head fell forward onto her shoulder.

"That was close, Cowgirl." He felt her nod in agreement. "I don' think people would react all that good if'n they saw us kissin' on each other and did remember."

"You mean captain daddy and Simon would not react well."

"Yeah, them."

"We can hide it from **them**." His eyes shot up to meet hers, and she was smiling. He couldn't help smiling back.

"Sounds like a plan, Cowgirl."

Her smile broadened. "Do you know what else sounds like a plan?"

"What?"

"Tomorrow, 7:00, the weight lifting bench."

"That does have a distinctly plan-like aura to it. What'cha got in mind for when we meet up, Cowgirl?" He said, waggling his eyebrows and wrapping his arms around her back, pulling her close to him, flush with his chest.

"I have to practice me dance routine. Someone once told me practice makes perfect." Jayne laughed.

"Very intelligible of that person."

River nodded. "Very intelligible." She replied. Then kissed him once more.


	3. Fight

The club was dark and dirty and River was very nervous. She looked over herself in the mirror in the wings of the stage. The black chaps and sparkly red top were, thankfully, staying in place. She had two minutes and 47 seconds before she would be on. To pass the time she recited the plan for what felt like the hundredth time in her head.

Dance over to him, get his attention, wait for Mal's cue, slip him the note tucked in your top. It was relatively simple in theory. Dance, get, wait, slip. But it felt anything but simple. It felt like she was trying to crack a digital fortress on a heavy dose of Simon's meds.

Plus, Jayne.

He was certainly going to be in the audience. She'd been practicing with him all week, asking his opinion on various dance moves. Though he wasn't a terrible lot of help because he seemed to think everything she did was "hot". And aside from that, he always made it a point to grab her and hold her close, distracting her quite thoroughly. She knew it would not end that way this time. Although if their future client did try to make it end like that; Jayne would blow a hole in his chest. He was showing himself to be rather protective after only a month of stolen kisses and touches.

"And NOW, coming on the main stage… our newest lovely lady… Cherry St. Cream!" River jumped, that was her. Well, that was the stage name Jayne invented for her.

There was a lot of wooing and wolf whistling as the stage went dark. She hurried silently towards her place center stage and waited with her head down. A spotlight came up on her and she rotated her hips quickly as the first lines of the song came booming out of the speakers.

_I like your pants around your feet, I like the dirt that's on your knees._

She strutted forward, falsely confident, and ran her hands down her body.

_I like the way you still say please._

She locked eyes with her target, Clarence Thomas, and side stepped so she was closer to the pole.

_While you're looking up at me. You're like my favorite damn disease_.

The music swelled and she bent her body with it. Grabbing the metal pole and flinging her back into a perfect arc, one foot planted on the ground and balancing her while the other curled around the solid metal. She gyrated against the pole and mimicked a facial expression of ecstasy.

_I love the places that we go. And I love the people that you know_.

She spun around the pole, locking eyes once more with her target. He was hooked, couldn't take his eyes off her. She dropped to her knees.

_And I love the way you can't say no, too many long lines in a row. I love the powder on your nose_.

River gracefully flung herself to all fours like a giant cat and crawled towards the front of the stage. When she knew she was in the right place, she flipped her hair artfully away from her face.

_And now I know who you are. It wasn't that hard…_

She rose up onto her knees again and looked him right in the eye as she pulled at the string around her neck her red sparkly top came loose. She still had the black contraption on underneath but she was supposed to draw this out, make sure their client was mesmerized. She didn't fully remove the red top just yet.

_Just to figure you out_.

The chorus of the song repeated itself and the man in front of her was looking at her like she'd only ever seen Jayne look at her. It was beyond unsettling. It felt wrong. And she knew in that instant that no man was ever meant to look at her in that way except for Jayne. She had to pretend though, like it was his blue orbs burning into her instead of this man's brown ones. It was easier than she thought it would be, because the next few lines of the song seemed to scream of Jayne and her.

_I like the freckles on your chest_

She laid out on her back and arched her chest off the ground while staring the man down. He licked his lips.

_I like the way you like me best._

She fiddled with the red top still around her rib cage teasingly. The man was breathing heavily.

_I like the way you're not impressed, while you put me to the test._

The leg farthest from the man came up in a perfect line and she ran her hand down the inside of it, past her inner thigh, ghosting over her groin and up her body, into her hair.

_I like the white stains on your dress_

The man was retrieving money from his wallet, eager to tuck it anywhere on her person. But she knew suddenly she couldn't and wouldn't let him touch her.

This had been fun with her large mercenary, she had been happy to dance for him. This man made her skin crawl. She pushed past her discomfort though and danced as she would if it were her Jayne in front of her.

_I love the way you pass the check. I love the good times that you wreck._

Her red top was gone, she exposing the black leather top Mal had found her. She was on her knees once more.

_I love your lack of self respect, while your passed out on the deck. I love my hands around your neck._

She pushed her knees so far apart that her thighs were flat on the ground and extended her legs so the length of them both touched the floor of the stage. With her hands on the ground in front of her, she swung her torso around from left to right and was pleasantly surprised her breasts didn't fall out of her top, nor did the note tucked inside make an appearance.. .

The chorus came again and she swung her legs around so they were in front of her and she popped up to her feet.

_Just to figure you out…_

The blacks chaps buttoned down the front and back. River ripped them open and off in time with the sudden surge of the instrumental break. She was left in the red shorts, black top and black cowboy boots. She returned to the pole, provocatively spreading her knees and sliding up and down it. Her target whistled and she forced a smile in his direction.

He waved a 20 credit note at her and River knew that as a stripper she should take it, but right about now, Mal was supposed to be starting a ruckus, should she continue? As if he'd been reading her mind, there was a loud crash at the back of the club. The music screeched to a halt and a woman screamed.

The club erupted into chaos, everyone running everywhere trying to determine what was up. Nobody knew Kaylee had set off a small bomb. River seized her opportunity and hopped off the stage landing nearly on her objective and fakely stumbled. He caught her like a gentleman would and smiled at her. "You alright there, darling?"

She made a scared expression. "Yes, thank you, sir."

"Call me Clarence."

"Alright Clarence. I think I should get on outta here." She drawled, mimicking Kaylee's accent.

"This place inn't fit for a woman like you, not now there's a heap o' trouble brewin'."

She forced another sweet smile. "You're right Clarence." She got up to pretend like she was walking away.

"Wait now! You gonna be a regular here?"

She turned her head towards him, shaking it "no". "No, sir. But if'n your itchin' to see me again…" she pulled out the note and slid it into his palm "just contact Malcolm Reynolds. He'll want a favor or two but maybe we'll see each other again someday." And with that she disappeared into the crowd and out the back door.

Zoe greeted her at the backdoor, handing her a long trenchcoat to keep her warm in the night. "Nice job. Did you slip him the note?" River nodded and shivered inside her trenchcoat, despite how warm it was keeping her.

"I don't really have to see him again, right?"

Zoe slung an arm around her shoulder and offered her a rare smile. "'Course not, it works best if'n we never let him see you again. Rumors 'bout this fella are true, he'll keep tryin' and we'll keep denyin' and getting' job after job after job." Zoe stated, sounding practically giddy.

They walked around the back of the building and towards the mule. River hoped Jayne wouldn't be too upset about her performance. She would do her best to ascertain his feelings on the matter when she saw him. Mal and Kaylee were already in the mule when Zoe and River spotted it, hidden in the shadows. But Jayne was no where to be seen. Perhaps he was still fighting in the club.

River climbed into the back with Kaylee, who greeted her with a huge hug. "Oh River! That was so good, you looked like a real stripper!" She said, chipper as always. River didn't really know how to take that. So she just offered Kaylee a small smile and thanked her.

Mal was practically bouncing with excitement. It was mildly horrifying. "That man's hooked good and proper! And I never have to see the little witch do that ever again!" River giggled a little bit. Mal had made it clear he was profoundly uncomfortable with the idea of her being a full grown woman and taking her clothes off to boot.

As Mal started the mule River looked around in confusion. "Where's Jayne?" she asked, trying to keep her voice neutral.

"He found hisself a girl from the club. I figured I'd let him have his fun, we haven't been planetside long enough for him to get some trim a while. So, when the job was pretty much a no brainer I let him wander off. He'll be back with us tomorrow morning."

River's stomach dropped completely out of her body. He'd found a girl? What! Kaylee asked the question she was dying to know. "Which one?"

Mal frowned in thought and steered the mule in Serenity's direction. "Uh, Zoe, what was her name? Stage name, I mean."

"Fantasy, sir."

River felt the back of her eyes burning with unshed tears. In what she'd thought was a habit she'd broken, she hung her head forward and hid behind her hair. Silently fighting not to sob. Kaylee giggled and for once it grated on River's nerves. "Well, she was certainly his type."

River's hands fisted in the coat and she tried to even her breathing. Fantasy's real name was Tina. They'd exchanged words briefly backstage, while River was pretending to be the new girl on the team. She was much taller than River, almost Zoe's height. With long blonde hair and very large, very fake breasts. And very blue eyes surrounded by matching blue glitter. River had watched her routine. The dancing was sub-par, even for a strip club, but nobody had cared once her top came off. Kaylee was right, she was Jayne's type. To a "T". But River still couldn't grasp it. Tina… or Fantasy or… whatever, she was dumb! She'd actually turned to River and asked what 3 times 5 was. A complete waste of grey matter! What could he possibly have in common with her? Nothing. And somehow that didn't make River feel better.

He'd rather spend his evening with the iconic blonde bimbo than with her. River felt her gut twist painfully when she questioned internally whether they'd have sex or not. It's not like she had any real claim on Jayne that way. They hadn't done that…yet. Not after only a month. Now she didn't know if they ever would. She'd just assumed that when they'd gotten more time together, planetside or something, that they would. And for the first time in her entire life River Tam felt foolish. Why would Jayne want that from her? She was only just newly a woman. He liked whores, women with experience. What could she give him? After all, Fantasy was whole where River was not. She was not a broken little girl pretending to be a woman. And apparently that's what Jayne wanted.

The mule pulled into the bay of Serenity and River hopped out quickly. Using part of her conditioning from the Academy, she hid her pain completely. "Captain, I'll be going to bed now." Mal nodded at her and she quickly fled to her room and locked the door.

She huddled under the covers of her bed and finally let her tears fall. Each salty drop burned a path down her face onto her pillow as she stifled her sobs. She knew that physically, your heart could not really break. A valve could collapse or become clogged but it could not tear right down the center. But that's what it felt like. It felt like there was a hole in her sternum filling up slowly with acid. It hurt, so very much. River cried harder and harder until the only option left was to scream into her pillow.

No one heard her or suspected anything was wrong. Simon got a feeling in the pit of his stomach, like he always did when she was in trouble or hurting. But he was with Kaylee, enjoying life. His amygdale was not stripped, he pushed it to the back of his mind. River did not sleep that night. Instead she cried for hours until she was too exhausted to do much more than breathe unevenly. It was rather silly that one question kept her awake the entire night. Did he kiss her on the mouth?

Jayne was trying his very best not to show his feelings. But it was gorram hard to hide rage. And that's what he felt. Pure, un messed with rage. And it angered him further (something most people would not fathom as possible), that it was over Cowgi--- moonbrain. He'd only felt this way one other time (when his sister had told him she was getting' married to that worthless piece of go se husband o' hers) and that was nothin' compared to what he'd experienced last night in that strip club.

She'd been a ruttin' goddess, writhin' around on that stage like she was born for it. He knew that it was equal parts natural talent and practice, because he'd been there for the practice and she hadn't needed much. But the simple knowledge that it wasn't just him and her anymore; that she wasn't performing solely for him had made him ache. And then, _then_ she'd had to do her job, snag the client. Those two minutes of watching her seduce that hun dan were the most painful of his entire life. Wiggling around with eyes only for that _ching wah tsoa duh liou mahng_, smiling that smile he'd only ever seen her give to him before.

He'd been so angry, he'd literally seen red. And he couldn't gorram understand it. He'd never felt for anyone the way he'd felt for this girl, and seeing her going for another man (and really, not being able to shoot this man full of holes) was a hell of a lot more than he could bear. He'd fled the club, fed Mal some lame story about hooking up with one of the other dancers, boarded Serenity, and hidden in his bunk. Even changed the hatch password so the girl couldn't come see him. And he'd spent the night fuming and holding off what he knew were tears. Jayne Cobb had not cried since he was 5. This was causing him hurt unlike any other. He'd not slept a wink the entire night. In the morning he finally climbed up from his lair and was tryin' his best to face the crew.

Mal was pretty much glowing. Zoe and Wash were in rather annoyingly good moods. Kaylee was chipper but at least Jayne was used to that. Inara was still in her shuttle or had already come and gone. Simon looked like Jayne felt. Sour and unbelievably angry. Though Jayne couldn't pin why, he'd probly spent the night with **his** girl. Jayne at least had righteous cause to look like he'd been gutted and left for dead.

Cowgirl was doin' the dishes, her back to him. He didn't know if he could look at her full on right now, so that was a blessing, really. But he knew she was aware of him. He'd seen the twitch in her jaw, maybe she knew how angry he was.

He took a seat at the table and Kaylee cheerfully offered him a cup of coffee, he grunted in response. Years of knowing Jayne told her that meant 'yes, please', so she bounced over to the coffee maker and poured him a cup just the way he liked it. Jayne hadn't even noticed, he was so busy trying not to look at his Cowgirl. When she set the cup down in front of him, he repaid her with a rare half-smile.

"So, Jayne, care to tell us why you look like you woke up with all your guns stolen?"

Jayne sneered at Mal, quite meanly. "Had a rough night." Was his only reply. Jayne didn't miss the significant look between Zoe and Mal but he couldn't figure what it meant.

"Well, sorry your… uh… fantasy didn't work out, but I know for a fact that they got some fine whores on the rock we're headed towards. After we drop the cargo, the crew's gettin' a mini vacation, so you'll have plenty of time." Jayne raised an eyebrow at him.

Clearly Mal thought he was all wound up cuz the "dancer he'd picked up" wouldn't sex him up. He briefly wondered what Mal would say if he knew who the merc really wanted to sex up. Speaking of, he chanced a hidden glance at River behind his coffee cup. She was vigorously watching dishes. Really though, she was washing the hell outta those gorram dishes. If dishes could talk, they'd probly tell her to ease up a bit. Jayne stopped feeling angry, and suddenly he wanted to crow with masculine joy. She was jealous. She didn't like it one bit that Mal was talking about giving him time to go play with the local flavor.

_Interesting_, Jayne thought, very interesting. "I could use some one on one time with a lady, thanks Mal." Jayne said, keeping a secretly watchful eye on River.

Her arms had developed a fine tremor. And she was having a bit of difficulty holding into the plates.

Meanwhile, the captain shrugged and said "Can't have my muscle all wound up and not functionin' proper."

"Yeah, well, when we hit that moon I aim to unwind." A crash from River's direction.

With a genuine excuse, Jayne peered around Mal to look at River. She hadn't just dropped a plate, she'd cracked one in two. Mal raised a brow at her. "Little witch, what'd the bad dish do to deserve that?"

She finally turned around and smiled at Mal. "I slipped Captain, I'm sorry."

Mal grinned back at her. "S'okay hunny, just cut back on snappin' them plates in half." She giggled. Jayne fumed, why in the gorram hell was SHE so chipper this mornin'?

"I will in exchange for a favor." River said, her eyes momentarily darting in Jayne's direction.

"What's that?" Mal asked.

"Let me go dancing, when we reach our destination. I would like to dance again, I've missed it very much. Perhaps I will even find a partner, I haven't done that in even longer." Mal smiled at her and agreed.

"Sure little witch. I'm sure Kaylee or Inara would go with you, just keep an eye on ya."

Jayne's face completely closed down. Gorram BITCH! She was tryin' at making' him jealous, he just knew it! River walked over and hugged Mal from behind, kissing his temple. "I love my Captain!"

"Course you do, darlin'."

All it took was the word 'darlin'' and the handle of Jayne's coffee mug snapped in half. River let go of Mal and shot the merc a smug look that nobody else caught.

Jayne was a bit disgusted with hisself when he found that to be attractive. She was being a ruttin' bitch and he wanted her more than ever. It was then that Jayne pretty much had a revelation.

It was because she was his. Meant for him. And all this jealousy crap wasn't gonna get him nowhere. He knew eventually it would happen again, he was far from bein' a level headed man, but this little episode was gonna stop NOW. "Stop it." He said, looking her right in the eye.

She looked a bit taken aback. Good.

"Stop what?" She asked, even though she knew perfectly well.

"Stop this tryin' to make me jealous go se. I get it, already."

River's face twisted into a scowl and she didn't just walk, she stormed over to his side of the table. "What! You can go out at night and whore around with a bimbo who doesn't know the answer to 2 times 2, but I can't ask the Captain to go dancing! Double standard at best, Jayne Cobb!"

He sprung up from his chair, and looked her right in the eye. "Just because you're _jen duh sh tyen tsai_ and a reader don't mean you know everything!"

"Actually, you _ben tian sheng de yi dui rou_, that's exactly what it means!"

Jayne growled in utter rage and grabbed her shoulders forcefully. "Oh really! Because, funny thing is, I didn't touch no gorram stripper last night! What I **did** do was get myself the ruttin' hell outta that club when I saw my cowgirl seducin' another man, and I couldn't take it not a second longer! But then I guess she didn't really see herself as mine if she went and did that!"

He flung her away from him and went to march past her to his bunk. Suddenly though, she pushed him back into his chair. Why did she have to be so gorram beautiful when she was angry?

"What's a cowgirl supposed to think? When you're not there after the job and the captain says you've gone to bed a woman who you can't deny you would normally engage in intercourse with!"

"Yeah! Normally until I met YOU, you moonbrain!"

"Exactly!" She screamed and tears spilled from her eyes. Even when he was pissed as hell those tears pulled at his heart strings. "I couldn't even blame you! You rutting piece of go se. I couldn't even blame you when I cried until I couldn't anymore last night! That girl is not broken, not a shattered little girl like me. Why would you want damaged goods?"

She ended her tirade in a sob and her shoulders slumped. Funny how her words seemed to make him even angrier. He pulled her to him roughly, settling her straddled on his lap. His arms wound around her and he held her as close as possible. "Don't you ever, _ever_ ruttin' say that again! You aint no damaged goods, you're far too good for me. But gorammit you're MINE. You belong to me and if'n I ever see you with another man again I'll rip him to shreds with my bare hands!" River pulled away to look him in the eye.

"It goes both ways Jayne Cobb! If I'm yours then you're mine! You don't touch another woman ever or you know exactly what it'll do to her and then to you."

Jayne couldn't take it a second longer and fisted his hand in her hair to jerk her forward for a kiss. Their lips met, and it may sound like sappy go se, but for Jayne it felt like time stopped. Like the whole universe look a big breath and let him have this moment with his cowgirl.

"**_WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON ON MY SHIP!_**" Mal bellowed.

Jayne turned and glared at him, though Inara (when did she get here?) said what he was thinking for him.

"Excellent job ruining the moment, Mal. Top notch, really."

Chinese Translations:

ching wah tsao duh liou mahng- frog humping son of a bitch

ben tian sheng de yi dui rou- stupid inbred sack of meat

jen duh sh tyen tsai- an absolute genius

Song Figured You Out. By Nickleback.


	4. Triple

Disclaimer: As much as I wish I owned Jayne Cobb, he belongs to River… I meant Joss. Clearly, what I meant to say…

And a big shout out to my beta, Mia. She keeps me from too many CAPS and verys and everyone should be thankful of that. (yes, in the rough drafts, there are more). Enjoy!

Several hours later, after a wave came through from Clarence Thomas and secured them a job and after Simon and Mal had spent several minutes yelling very loudly, the entire crew was seated in the common area. Kaylee's monstrous bottle of engine brew was being passed between Simon and Mal. Zoe and Wash shared a comfy chair and snuggled opposite River and Jayne on the loveseat, also cuddling. Simon, Kaylee and Mal were on the couch with Inara perched on the arm, a restraining hand on Mal's shoulder.

"So," the companion said gracefully, "to recap: you and Jayne have been having a relationship for the past month while everyone's been preparing for the job. And neither of you think that this is too short of a time to have developed such strong feelings."

The couple shrugged in unison. "Not really, no." River said, snuggling closer to Jayne's chest.

Simon winced. "I cannot believe this," he muttered.

The room was silent for a few minutes. Nobody could think of anything to say. River suddenly turned around and gave Jayne a thoughtful glance.

"15," she said, very serious.

"What?"

"Three times 14 becomes three times 15. You're about to break a promise."

Jayne frowned at her, confused. Then something occurred to him and he thought he might have heart failure. "Holy shit, you're right!" he shouted. "Cap'n! We gotta go to Orpheus!"

Mal gave him a look. "Our next job's on Orpheus, I'd say we should be there, yeah."

Jayne shook his head, "No, we gotta stop there. You was talking 'bout a mini-vacation, right? We gotta have it on Orpheus!"

Simon slurred a little bit when he talked. "We're not going to stop on some backwater, fei-oo planet so you can go whoring and cheat on my sister!" he shouted.

The whole crew turned to look at him. River and Jayne sent him identical ferocious glares. "Simon, stop being a boob. Jayne's not going to cheat on me."

Jayne snarled at him. "Gorram right I'm not gonna cheat on her. I got kin on Orpheus is all. S'my home moon."

"Of course it is." Simon said, nastily.

"And what's THAT supposed to mean?" Kaylee said, sounding very injured indeed. River had a flash of what he was about to say and winced.

"Don't say it Simon, you're drunk and you don't mean it."

Simon continued anyway, "It means that whatever planet this ape man comes from can't exactly be a beacon of civilization."

Kaylee gave the entire crew a real shock when she slapped Simon right across the face. "Orpheus just so happens to be **my** home moon as well." She said angrily. And with that, she stormed out of the common area, Simon was still drunk, but hot on her heels.

The whole crew let out a breath. "And I thought I was bad with women…" Wash muttered.

Zoe laughed, "Husband, even you aren't so bad as all that."

Wash agreed, "I don't think anybody but Simon's as bad as all that."

River slowly nodded, "He is an exceptionally bleak looking case"

Jayne chuckled and held her tighter to him. "How long I got 'till their day comes, Cowgirl?" he asked.

"207 hours, 58 minutes, 9 seconds." Jayne gave her a look. His standard don't-start-that-go se look. She conceded and answered, "Just under nine days."

Jayne's eyes widened, "Only nine days? Cap'n, can we make a stop on some place sells guns?"

"Jayne, what the hell'r ya going on about? Why we gotta stop to load up and what's this nine days stuff?" Jayne sighed and tugged River closer to him as a comfort thing. He just likes the feel of her close to him and thinks maybe it'll help him. He don't often open up 'bout stuff but he knows that he's gonna need to now.

"Cap'n, I ever tell ya 'bout my sister?" Mal shakes his head, but then gives him a nod to continue. "Well, I'm a twin. My sis Jesse, she's got three boys. Matty, Timmie, and Georgie. Last time I saw 'em was at their Pa's funeral and they was barely old 'nough to understand I was leavin'. Aint seen 'em in near ten years. But I did promise 'em I'd be back for their 15th. S'a big deal on Orpheus, it's when a boy's allowed to buy his first gun. And I wanna be there cuz I don't intend to break that promise."

Mal frowned at him for a long minute. Then slowly nodded. "Orpheus is just near Shadow, right?" Jayne nodded, "That's where Zoe and I hail from. We can stop by there too."

Jayne smiled very wide and River felt his excitement fill up the room. She couldn't help smiling along with him.

"Wash," Mal said, "what planets are on the way or not too far out of it? Just off the top o' yer head."

Wash considered for a moment. "Uh, we should be breaking the Core limits right now, so we're past Ariel. Beaumonde's a no go cuz they're on the other side of the quadrant. I assume we're not going for moons, just planets? K, so that leaves. Minerva, Persephone, New Satern, Bellerophon and Contessa."

Jayne was mildly impressed. He could shoot a man in the neck from 500 feet with a broken scope, but he sure as hell couldn't name all the planets in their path at any given time.

River stroked his hand. "We all have our gifts." He grinned at her, full out and she snuggled her face into his neck.

"That's never gonna stop being weird," Zoe muttered from the other side of the room. River knew that was untrue. It would stop being weird in time. Even for Simon. But there were many things to happen before that.

"Bellerophon," she whispered in his ear.

Jayne turned his head to look her directly in the eye. Their faces were inches apart. "That it, Cowgirl? That's where I'm gonna get the guns I want?" She smiled and kissed his cheek.

"You're becoming an expert in River-speak. Gold star."

Jayne shrugged. "Now I wanna listen it aint so hard. Plus, yer talking pretty normal now." River gently kissed him, bringing a hand up to stroke his face. Their eyes fluttered closed simultaneously. His arm came tighter around her waist.

"Alright, that's it!" Mal said very loudly. The pair were startled and turned to look at their Captain. "Zoe and Wash got rules, you two got rules as well. First rule: No kissy kissy fei-oo in public. I don't give a good gorram if you're alone but I don't wanna see it. Rule number two: No sex."

Zoe and Wash cracked up laughing. And Jayne looked indignant. "That is NOT one of Zoe and Wash's rules, Cap'n!"

Mal sighed, "I weren't finished. No sex, not 'till she turns 19."

Jayne gave him an angry look, "Mal, that just plain aint none of your business."

"I am her **father!**" The whole ship seemed to shake with the force of his statement. "So it damn well is," he said simply.

Jayne gave him a defiant glare. "You aint—" but River's fingers to his lips made him look at her. He shot her a questioning look that she returned with a sad but very serious experession.

"He is. He gives me shelter, gives me food-" Jayne tried to interrupt but she pressed her fingers harder against his mouth. "And more importantly, he loves me like I was his own. Cares for me."

"Little witch, I don't know about that." Mal said with a heavy dose of embarrassment, rubbing the back of his neck and looking down at his shoes intently.

She mimicked his voice perfectly. "If anything happens to her, I swear I will get very choked up. Honestly, there might even be tears."

"That was just…"

"I'm a reader captain daddy, don't even try."

Mal's shoulders slumped a little bit in defeat. Only River caught Inara's smile at this. "Alright fine. But that just enforces rule two!"

Jayne let go of River's waist to flop back against the chair and pout. River raised an eyebrow at him. "You know I have the same birthday as the triplets?"

There was a stunned silence in the room. Then Jayne threw his head back and laughed. It sounded a bit evil. He tugged her back against him and laid a big sloppy kiss on her neck. "You… are just too… I don't even got words for it."

And indeed he didn't, instead he just kissed her. River smiled against the kiss and turned into it. "Stop!" Mal said, and stomped his foot like a child in a temper tantrum. "Okay albatross, ya got me there. But Rule number one still stands. Do it out of my line of vision and not in a place where it could suddenly _be_ in my line o' vision!"

River giggled, "I understand and comprehend."

Mal nodded and walked out of the room, shaking his head and muttering to himself. Inara got up to follow him. River and Jayne took a quick glance at Zoe and Wash, who were already kissing. They grinned and looked at each other hotly before pouncing on each other and started kissing.

Simon wandered back in and shouted in alarm. He stumbled backwards and fell on his ass. Zoe and Wash came up for air and looked about, their eyes finally settling on Simon. They got up to help him because they knew the other couple will be useless for a while. The married pair well remembered that stage in the relationship. And both knew for a fact that by now River and Jayne had completely forgotten that anyone else was in the room.

Nine days later Serenity was within orbit of Orpheus. They'd made their stop on Bellerophon and Jayne had looked mighty pleased with himself when he'd got back on Serenity. He wouldn't tell River what he'd purchased and she didn't want to peek. The crew was a bit confused. They'd never seen Jayne get worked up over anything besides a trip to the whore house or a good bar tussle. River took comfort in her knowledge of events yet to come. In time, layers would be stripped. But that was not to be worried over.

In fact, as Wash broke atmo, River grew increasingly worried about other things. Meeting your significant other's family was a big milestone. And she wanted to make the best impression possible. She'd dressed carefully this morning in some of her new clothes. She'd pondered about what to wear deeply. She wanted to be pretty, of course, but she also wanted to look like she could handle the Rim. Looking like a full out Core girl was out of the question. She'd decided on black denim pants that fit her tight and rode low, though that was mostly for Jayne. Her top was red and silky, it dipped a bit; but not so that River was concerned about it. She stuck with her combat boots for footwear because they were familiar to her and she could fight as well as dance in them. And one never knew what the day was going to hold, right?

Well, sometimes she knew. But as part of some sort of cosmic joke, she couldn't see what today was going to be like. She looked over herself in the mirror one last time as she felt Serenity lower itself further towards the ground. The hair around her face was pulled back by a clip and it hung down in the back. It felt odd that her hair only went to her shoulders but the style looked nice on her, she had to admit.

"Cowgirl? Baby, where you at?" Jayne shouted from the bay.

"Coming!" she shouted back.

She tore herself away from her reflection and jogged into the bay, finally stopping under Jayne's right arm. He smiled at her and twitched with excitement as Serenity hit the ground.

As the ramp lowered, the crew members of Serenity were completely baffled. All except River, and of course, Jayne because he was the one confusing them all. The large and imposing merc was almost _bouncing_ with nervous energy. "Jayne, calm the hell down, what's up with you? "

"I ain't seen my sis in 10 years, Mal. You'd be anxious too, gorramit." River smiled brightly and took his hand.

"She's missed you. Very much."

Jayne chuckled, "Well, I guess I missed her too."

Before the ramp had even hit the ground Jayne was out on it, looking about. From behind, the rest of the crew couldn't see what he'd spotted, but could tell something had caught his eye. He took off like a shot and jumped off the ramp as it was a foot from the ground. "He's like a ruttin' mad man," Mal muttered.

River laughed, she felt Jayne's excitement, his joy. By now, the crew could see what was going on. Jayne was running like they'd never seen him run, and towards a girl they could only assume was his sis. She was running just as fast towards him. When they met, he scooped her up in his arms and spun her about, holding her close and even from Serenity, they could hear the siblings laughing. The crew started walking over and the sight didn't get any less bizarre. River couldn't stop smiling. The crew were about to witness what exactly she saw in her Jayne. She knew that he'd let all his guards down, all his meanness and hardness the world made him have, that would evaporate around his kin. Of course, he was still pretty mean naturally, but there was a noticeable difference.

They could hear the conversation now. "I didn't think you'd be hear, Jayney! My little ones, they knew you'd come though. Been cleaning the house all week and such! I thought they was crazy! But yer here!"

"Aw Jesse, truth was I'd almost forgot. But my girl, she's got a sense of when I'm about to do some wrong and she's the one got me here."

"GIRL? My Jayney's got hisself a girl! If'n recall correctly you left here with an eye for paid company and nothin' else. I'mma hafta meet _this_ girl!" Jayne grinned wide and hugged her close.

"She's walkin' up just now. Cowgirl, come meet Jesse!" he yelled.

River jogged a bit and stopped in front of the pair. Jesse turned out of the circle of Jayne's arms and even though River already knew what she would see, it was still startling. The girl was _Kaylee_ they were damn near identical. The only difference was her height and eye color. Jesse's eyes were that rich, startling blue that Jayne's were. Kaylee had brown eyes, a happy chocolate color. You know, if chocolate could be happy. Other than that, it was like looking at Kaylee's double. She even had the same smile, bright and wide and perpetually cheerful.

"This here's my girl, River. River this is my sis, Jesse."

"It's nice to meet you," River said.

"Jayne! She's gorgeous! Ma'll be so pleased when she hears!" Jesse broke from Jayne's grip and engulfed River in a warm hug, "It's so nice to meet ya! Any girl can rope in Jayne for good, that's a someone I wanna meet!" River laughed and hugged Jesse back.

"It's nice to meet you as well. Come! Meet the rest of Jayne's crew. You're his real kin but we feel like a family in the air." Jesse didn't stop smiling as River led her over to the rest of the crew. "This is our Captain, Malcolm, or just Mal." Jesse stuck her hand out to shake his and he took it with a stunned look.

He couldn't believe the resemblance between Jesse and Kaylee. No wonder Jayne never wanted to sex up his mechanic, it'd just be wrong.

"And this is Zoe and Wash. Zoe is the first mate and Wash is the pilot," River continued as they shook hands. Jesse was the picture of politeness. "This is my brother Simon, he's the ship's doctor and this is Kaylee." Jesse shook Simon's hand, looking at him oddly and then stopped dead when she took Kaylee's hand.

Kaylee titled her head sideways and looked up at Jesse.

"S'like..." Jesse started.

"Lookin' in a mirror." Kaylee finished. "Yeah, no wonder Jayne always felt like a brother!" They both giggled with identical laughter. It was surreal.

"Well, why don't ya'll come up to the main house, Ma'll want to meet ya and so will my boys." She motioned up to the ranch house 'bout a hundred yards away. Mal nodded and the crew followed.

Half way there, three boys came barreling around the side of the house. Young, but strong looking, they all were headed straight for Jayne. He let out a loud bark of laughter and ran forward.

"Uncle Jayne!" they all shouted in unison, and when they were six inches from each other the three teenagers all jumped him. The boys and Jayne tussled around in the dirt until they were all manner of dirty and Jesse barked to let him up. They all shot up and brushed themselves off.

Jayne put his hands on his hips and said in a mock serious voice, "At attention soldiers, let me see ya." They lined up and the crew got their first good look at the triplets. River tilted her head to the side in wonder. They were identical and bore a seriously terrifying resemblance to Jayne. Sure they were a couple inches shorter but that still made them tall. And they didn't have the sheer muscle mass that Jayne did, but they were working on it for sure.

As if they heard her thoughts, three heads turned to look in her direction. The one in the middle said, "Aw, Uncle Jayne, d'you bring us a present?" Blatantly flirting with River.

Jayne lightly smacked him upside the head. "Eyes to yourself boy. S'my girl. River baby, c'mere." She walked up to Jayne, swinging her hips for effect. She knew that the triplets idolized their Uncle Jayne. Why not let them think even more of him for snagging a super sultry woman. His eyes darkened as she walked over to him and he slung an arm around her and pulled her close. "Baby, these is my nephews. The one with the filthy mouth in the middle's Matty."

River smiled at him, "Hi, Matty."

"Hey there," he said, grinning that Cobb man grin that just wasn't fair to use on a girl.

"Hey!" Jayne snapped. "No grinning, she's mine."

Matty kept on grinning, "Can't help ma'self, Uncle Jayne. You picked a girl's all manner of shiney."

Jayne smirked, "Yeah, I did." The other two triplets coughed loudly into their hands simultaneously. Jayne rolled his eyes, "The one on the right is Timmy, one of the left is Georgie."

They grinned at her and she couldn't help but smile back. One Jayne was hard enough to deal with, three was definitely going to be an adventure.

"Hi Timmy, Georgie."

"Hey River," they said in unison. River giggled. All three of them smiled goofily at her.

"How can you tell'm 'part?" Mal asked.

"Matty's always been the one with the mouth. Timmie's got a freckle near his left eye, and Georgie's always wearing green," River said, looking them over carefully. The triplets looked startled.

"How'd ya know?" Matty said.

River smiled brightly at him, "Jayne likes to talk about you three. He's very proud." They all puffed up in pride and Jayne rolled his eyes. He'd never said a word aloud but he'd been thinkin' on the boys for the past few days. He knew she'd just gotten the tidbits he'd thought extra loud.

"About face, troops, meet the rest of the crew." They all turned to look at the crew.

"Woah!" Matty said, "Ma, you got a sister we don' know 'bout?"

"Forget about that!" Timmie said, "Did Dad have a TWIN we din' know 'bout?" he murmured, staring in disbelief at Simon.

Jayne shook his head. "I know, right disturbin' aint it?" the merc said. The triplets nodded. Oddly in sync. "But he aint a thing like your Pa was. He's a fancy Doctor from the Core. Name's Simon. Girl that looks something crazy like yer Ma 's the ship's mechanic, goes by Kaylee." The triplet's politely waved to the pair, who waved back.

"Tall woman looks like she could shoot ya blindfolded is Zoe, little man attached to her's her husband Wash. Zoe's first mate to the big man in the tiny britches, that's our Cap'n, Mal."

"Hi," the triplet's said. The rest of the crew nodded.

"Fancy woman in the blue is Inara." Three pairs of eyes bugged right out of their faces. Inara smiled and practically melted the three teenage boys. Jayne chuckled, "Now that I've been polite and intrduced ya'll, where's my mother?"

As if on cue, Vera Cobb emerged from the house. "What's all this ruckus out here? Matty, I find out you been goofin' off one more--" she stopped dead when she saw Jayne.

He broke away from River and bounded up the stairs and picked his mother up in the tightest hug River had seen any one person give anyone else. There was a loud gasp from Vera but not of pain. River could tell she was holding back tears. Jayne held her tight to him, picking her up off the ground. "Ma! I missed ya!" he said into her hair.

"I missed ya too, my baby boy!" Jayne pulled back and looked at her.

"Ma," he whined, "D'ya have to call me--"

She smacked him upside the head. "You don't write nearly as much as ya should, Jayne Jesse Cobb! I can gorram well call you just 'bout anythin' I want!"

Jayne shrugged and hugged her again. "Alright, Ma," he conceded. After a minute they broke apart and Vera had tears rolling down her face.

"Oh! Stand back and let me look at ya!"

He obliged and presented himself proudly.

"You're so thin, you aint been eatin' properly." The crew silently balked at her statement. _Jayne?_ Wasn't _big enough?_ What kind of messed up parallel world was Vera living in?

"Why're you covered in dirt? They don't got showers on this boat you like so well you haven't visited in near a decade?"

Jayne laughed, "Naw, triplets tackled me."

"'Course they did, them boys is always foolin'."

"And I switched crews and partners near 'nough to forty times Ma. This is the first job I got that's let me visit."

Vera rolled her eyes. "So where's this crew ya like so much? I'm lookin' to meet this Captain."

Jayne smiled nervously at her. "Ma! Ya can meet the crew in a second, got someone mighty special I want ya to meet first."

Vera leaned back and looked at him carefully, "Who?"

Jayne turned and motioned for River to come over. She walked as gracefully as possible over to them, she wanted to make a very good impression on Vera. "Ma, want you to meet my girl, River."

River smiled brightly and held out her hand to Vera, who looked shocked. "Hello, dearie." Vera said, her face softening as she gently took River's hand and covered it with her own. "How long you and Jayne been together?"

"Just over a month now, Ma'am."

Vera smiled brightly. "Oh call me Vera, hunny. And he brought ya home to meet the family after only a month? Ya must be something special, sweetheart."

River blushed and giggled a little. "Well, I sort of pushed him to come home, I wanted to meet you and I didn't want him to miss the triplet's fifteenth!" Vera patted her hand warmly and turned to Jayne, smiling wide.

"Oh Jayne, I like her! River, sweetheart, why don't ya introduce me to the rest of yer crew?"

River nodded and led her down the stairs. One by one se introduced Serenity's family to Vera. And River suddenly didn't need a glimpse of the future, she felt it in her bones that the day would turn out just fine.

END of chap. AHHH, The Party's next!


End file.
